When I was taking David to school one day last week, it suddenly hit me: I. Am. Soooo. Lame.

Let me set the scene. It was April Fools’ Day. Although I thought about waking David up at 6:30 a.m. with some kind of prank – I didn’t follow through. I didn’t come up with a plan. Let’s be honest – I completely spaced it.

We talked about my inaction on the short trek to school and David reminded me that we didn’t prank each other  April 1, 2014, either. What? Are you sure? That cannot be!

You see, I come from a family of practical jokers. You might say that practical joking is in the blood. It’s part of the DNA. It’s our first instinct.

While some kids are taught from a very young age that the telephone is not a toy, I was trained on the art of the crank phone call. I think I learned how to short sheet a bed before I learned how to make one. Not really.

But for me to NOT prank anyone on April Fools’ Day – of all days – blasphemy! I mean I could lose some serious street cred at the next family reunion if the word got out that I let an opportunity to prank someone pass me by. That’s no joke.

The crazy hijinks runs on my dad’s side of the family – the Lortons.

That’s not to say that my mom’s family, the Tripps, aren’t funny. On the contrary, they are belly-busting hilarious. They love a good joke. They love telling a good joke. They love laughing at a good joke. You can’t visit the Tripps without hearing, “Did I tell you the one about?”

For many years, I used to think my Uncle Tommy Tripp should audition for Last Comic Standing. The guy is hilarious. I have always been amazed at his ability to remember so many jokes. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him tell the same joke twice.

The Tripps are good at physical humor too. I’ve got lots of Tripp family photos where some family member has pulled his pants up to his chest. You know, the Ed Grimley look? Or, someone has positioned a hat in a crazy funny way.

While the Tripps are quite entertaining, they aren’t big on pulling pranks. Unless you count my Uncle Garry’s “Pull my finger.” They just don’t get into the practical joke space.

The Lortons, on the other hand, love a good practical joke. They are all over it. They can’t get enough. They are pulling pranks 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

That may be a bit of an exaggeration. Or it may be completely on point. I’m not really sure. I just know that there are very few rules when it comes to their pranks. The only real rules are that a good prank is never mean-spirited and a good prank is never intended to humiliate.

Embarrass, sometimes. Humiliate, never.

You’re probably scratching your head right now and thinking to yourself – that can’t possibly be. There must be rules. There must be guidelines. You must draw a line. Listen, if you draw a line then you limit your possibilities. Everything and everyone can be part of the next great prank. Your job, your business, your friends, your neighbors, your children, your pets, your hobbies, complete strangers. These are your resources. These are the main ingredients for the caper, the shenanigans. There are no lines.

You’re still incredulous. I get it. I get that you’re going to assert that a line is drawn when it comes to age. Surely, practical jokes only involve adults, you’re thinking. Well, you’d be wrong.  Just the other day, my niece, Andrea, recalled being on the receiving end of a Lorton prank – albeit a prank on a small-scale. She thinks she was 10. “I remember Uncle Kevin and Uncle David saying that we needed to practice man overboard in grandpa’s boat. Next thing I know I was in the water!” Thankfully the boat wasn’t moving too quickly and Andrea was wearing a life jacket.

You’re still not sold. You’re now thinking that certain occasions are off-limits. Again, no. Let’s take a look at my wedding. Well, let’s first take a look at my engagement. When Jeff and I announced our engagement in 1999, everyone was thrilled. There were parties. There was fanfare. There was an engagement announcement in the McDonough Democrat, the newspaper that my dad owned at the time. And there was a line in that announcement that mentioned Jeff was a “former member of the St. Louis Blues hockey team.” Jeff is one of the biggest Blues fans I know. He’s been a Blues fan forever. But let me be clear, he has never played for the Blues. The first time we visited my dad, following this newspaper prank, was quite interesting. I won’t go into all of the particulars. Suffice it to say, church was quite crowded, given that the former professional hockey player was making an appearance.

Skip ahead to the wedding. My wedding party, composed primarily of my siblings, had several hours to kill in between the wedding and the reception. So we drove around in our rented limo taking some spontaneous and fun photos. We took pictures in my old dorm, in a hockey rink, at the restaurant where Jeff and I had our first date, and at a gas pump. Everyone thought it would be hilarious if we got a picture of me acting like I’m pumping gas while the limo driver points at his watch. File this under “The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree.” I submitted this photo to the South Bend Tribune. They ran it with a disclaimer that the limo company didn’t really make a bride pump gas before her wedding.

And then there is the prank I didn’t find out about until Jeff and I were on our way to our honeymoon. Jeff says, “Oh yeah, did I tell you what your family did to me at the reception?” It seems that at some point between the Chicken Dance and the Electric Slide one of my cousins told Jeff that my dad wanted to see him…in the men’s room. Jeff followed my cousin into the restroom and was soon surrounded by more cousins, second cousins, my brothers and my dad. My dad, with napkins carefully placed in his cheeks and using his best “Godfather” voice, cautioned my husband of a few hours, if he didn’t take care of me there were men in all parts of the Midwest who would take care of him. I wish I had a picture of that moment, but I don’t. (I do have a picture of a swirling toilet bowl. We did the disposable cameras on every table thing. During the wedding, my dad said that I should be careful when I get the film developed. He was in the restroom when a flash went off in an adjacent stall. My nephew, Billy, walked out of said stall a few seconds later, winding the disposable camera.)

That’s just a sampling of some of the smallest pranks. There are way too many to recount here. Several are way too complicated to recount here. Take my word for it.

Which brings me back to April Fools’ Day. After dropping David at school, I quickly recouped and pulled off two small pranks. Thank you Pinterest!

For David, I painted the bar soap in his shower with clear fingernail polish. For Jeff, I replaced the creamy centers of his Oreos with mayonnaise. Cue the laugh track.

Phew! Maybe I’m not so lame?