When Life Handed Her Lemons, She Persevered

“Dad…remembering you is easy, I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.” – unknown

mike schwerWhen you’re 5 years old, the biggest obstacle in your life should be the playground monkey bars. You shouldn’t have to worry about money, your health, what you’re having for dinner or how you’re getting to school in the morning. These should be the concerns and talking points for the adults in your life. But, as the adults, we know, and sometimes children are quick to learn, that life doesn’t always follow the path or pattern we imagine. The hard reality is that life isn’t fair. It hands us lemons. Sometimes, it goes one step further, and hands us heartache and disappointment.

In October of 2008, life handed my Little Sister, Hannah, the biggest heartache it could when it took her father from this earthly world and out of her sight and reach. After a short battle with cancer, Hannah’s father, Michael Schwer, died. This loss came just a couple of months after Hannah’s fifth birthday. A time when Hannah should have been celebrating first days of school, laughing and enjoying trick or treating and looking forward to the upcoming soccer season, she was faced with the daunting reality of this hole in her heart. (The above photograph shows Hannah hugging her dad after a soccer game.)

The amazing thing is – she persevered.

Hannah’s first soccer coach, Michael Schwer passed on to his dear daughter, his love of the sport, his bravery, his tenacity, his compassion and his perseverance. The lessons Hannah learned from her dad didn’t come through direct instruction, but through the beautiful way in which he lived his life.

In the field coaching just two weeks before he died, Michael Schwer showed Hannah the importance of never giving up – no matter who or what your opponent.

Honoring her father’s memory and legacy, Hannah follows her brave father’s lead, and faces life’s obstacles with a determination and hard-headedness that keeps propelling her forward. That’s not to say that it wasn’t difficult for Hannah in the days, months or years after her father’s passing. It was and remains a hard reality to manage. But Hannah has learned from it and has tried to create a positive response to a devastating outcome. According to Hannah’s mother, “She was my one kid out of all of my kids who wouldn’t open up about it.” Hannah went to a few programs for children who had lost parents but had difficulty communicating her experience to others. The first time she really had a breakthrough came when one of her elementary school classmates lost a parent. Hannah came to that student’s side, offering a compassion and empathy that only a child who had that shared experience could. She has since reached out to other children who have found themselves in a similar circumstance. As Hannah’s mom described, “Hannah makes herself available to them – just to tell them that if they need to talk or to be with someone who really understands – she will be there.” Not only has Hannah persevered, but she has used her loss and her hurt to help someone else. She has transformed her pain into a purpose, a feat that puts me in awe of my Little Sister.

lori chalupnyShe honors her dad through her perseverance. She reaches her dad through her soccer play and by connecting with those who once knew him. Throughout his coaching career, Michael Schwer mentored several Olympic athletes including Lori Chalupny and Becky Sauerbrunn. Hannah has stood in line for hours in order to meet these players – seeking any kind of information or insight they might share about her dad. After hours waiting to meet Lori Chalupny, Hannah’s persistence earned a priceless reward when Lori told her, “Michael Schwer was one of my favorite people – one of the best people I ever knew.” As joyful as these meetings are, they bring with them a bittersweet reality that these players knew Hannah’s dad longer than she did.

Hannah facial features resemble her dad’s. Her second toe is longer than her big toe – just like her dad. And she has this unrelenting spirit to keep moving in a positive direction, no matter what, just like her dad. Josh Shipp once said, “Perseverance is stubbornness with a purpose.” Hannah embodies that quote.

Hannah has faced unimaginable loss and change and hardships with grace and humility and a stubbornness to not let anything stop her from reaching her goals and aspirations. Consequently, she gets straight As, plays on two soccer teams, is very involved in youth group at church and is a proud and loving friend, daughter, sister, aunt and granddaughter.

Determined and often a perfectionist, Hannah gives 110 percent no matter what. Some will do the bare minimum – just what they can to get by. That’s not who she is. Hannah gives her best effort. Sometimes when Hannah is up late working on her homework, her mom has to remind her to get some sleep. “It’s just a rough draft – remember?” Her mom says.

Knowing what she knows about the fragility and uncertainty of life, Hannah lives her life always striving to be and do her best. There are no rough drafts for this feisty and resolute 6th grader.

“With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.” –Thomas Foxwell Buxton. I believe this about Hannah. I can’t wait to see where she goes!

(Editor’s Note: Hannah is my Little Sister through Big Brothers Big Sisters of Eastern Missouri.)

New Blog! Read Now and Avoid the Lines

I was waiting in line at a drive-thru restaurant yesterday morning, after waiting in line at the bank, and suddenly it occurred to me, I spend a lot of time waiting in line. Or so it seemed. Curious – I pulled out my phone and Googled, “How much time do people spend waiting in line?”

Picture from www.dailymail.co.uk. In Longview, Texas, trucks and SUVs spilled out of the parking lot and lined the streets, waiting to get into the drive-through for Chick-fil-A.
Picture from http://www.dailymail.co.uk. In Longview, Texas, trucks and SUVs spilled out of the parking lot and lined the streets, waiting to get into the drive-through for Chick-fil-A.

I was stunned when I read that over the course of a lifetime, the average American will spend TWO years waiting in line. TWO YEARS. Americans as a whole spend roughly 37 BILLION hours each year waiting in line. Mind blowing, isn’t it?

More surprising than the numbers though, was the discovery of M.I.T. operations researcher, Richard Larson. According to an article I read in the New York Times, “Why Waiting in Line is Torture,” Larson is widely considered to be the foremost expert on lines. Did you know there was an expert on lines? I didn’t.

There appears to be an entire science around lines. I guess that’s not all that astounding given today’s culture. We live in a microwave society. We want what we want and we want it now. We order our lunch from the company who promises a “freaky fast” delivery. We download the Waze app to save time on our daily commute. We pay extra for “express boarding” when we travel by air. We read stories like, “Why Waiting in Line is Torture,” hoping the moral of the story will reveal some new trick for avoiding lines. We don’t want to wait. Not in line. Not online.

As a matter of fact, according to computer scientist Ramesh Sitaraman, waiting of any sort can mean high anxiety for Internet users. Sitaraman’s research found that two seconds is the longest we’ll wait for an online video to load before we start looking at our watches. If we have to wait 10 seconds, 50 percent of us are going to bail. Apparently, we can’t spare that kind of time.

Why do we hate waiting in line so much? For the answer to that question, we return to the line expert, Professor Larson. He explained, in an article in The Huffington Post, “The Hidden Joy of Waiting in Line,” that occupied time feels shorter than unoccupied time, so when we’re standing in a long line or in a doctor’s office waiting room, the time feels as if it’s dragging on. Waiting can provoke impatience, stress and anxiety, and in turn, anxiety also makes waits seem longer.

“The dominant cost of waiting is an emotional one: stress, boredom, that nagging sensation that one’s life is slipping away,” Alex Stone wrote in the New York Times in 2012.

Apparently, the mere presence of a line can freak people out. So it stands to reason that multiple lines can really push people over the edge, right? That statement is true – but not for the reason you might think. The presence of multiple parallel lines, like the ones we see in the grocery store, create an anxiety because we are pressured to pick the right one – the line that will get us through the checkout and out of the door the quickest.

patienceWe’ve all been there. I was there last weekend. Pressed for time, I was trying to get in and out of Costco in rapid fashion. I was doing a fantastic job, until I reached the checkout area and had to decide on a line. Before I could choose, there were several factors I needed to consider: the number of people in each line, the quantity of items in each cart, and the chattiness of the employees. Once I selected my line, I then spent the rest of my time waiting, comparing my wait to those in the adjacent lines. Am I beating that line? Am I losing to that one? I can probably beat all of the lines as long as nothing unforeseen happens – like a price check.

Weirdly, I don’t remember if I won or lost, because at the end of my shopping experience, the clerk helped me find a box to carry all of my purchases and a couple of my items rang up at lower prices than I anticipated. According to the line experts, my inability to remember the details of the race wasn’t so weird. The experts assert that when a long wait ends positively, we tend to forget all about the trauma of waiting. The reverse is true as well. If our experience ends on a down note, we will fixate on that negative story even if the whole process wasn’t that bad.

We’ve all been there, too, haven’t we? I remember not too long ago running into the post office to mail a few packages for work. I had a pile of brightly colored boxes I was sending to some folks who’d helped me out with a video shoot. The line moved quickly and the clerk was quite pleasant and helpful. When it was time to pay I handed the clerk my credit card, he processed my payment, returned the card and then mispronounced my last name. Instead of Daum he said Dum. Game over.

david barryOne of the biggest factors in how we perceive our line waiting experience boils down to fairness. It goes without saying (but I have to say it here because this is a blog and this is where I say stuff), the first one to get in line is the first one to be served. Anyone who colors outside of the lines of first come, first served, is asking for trouble.  Isn’t one of the earliest rules we all learn when it comes to line etiquette is that there are no cuts?

These new drive-thru lines, that split in two and then converge into one, sometimes make the first come, first served rule a challenge. Just last week I was sitting in a line ahead of the split and some guy drove next to me, almost on the sidewalk, and maneuvered ahead in one of the lines. I had this “Fried Green Tomatoes” moment flash in my head where I drove my little Prius into the side of his Escalade. Thankfully that inclination left as quickly as it came and I maintained my composure.

But maintaining one’s composure when someone cuts in line is easier said than done for some folks. There’s an ABC 20/20 piece about “line rage” that showcases throwdowns in the men’s room at a professional sporting event, at an Apple new product unveiling and a convenience store. There’s actual footage of a woman getting so enraged when a guy tries to cut in front of her to buy cigarettes that she maces him. Google “muffin macer” and you can find that stress-filled encounter starring two adults behaving poorly.

Helping people avoid these kinds of experiences and the stress of lines are professional line sitters. Robert Samuel launched SOLD (Same Ole Line Dudes) in 2013 in New York. Samuel makes a living sitting in line for everything from Saturday Night Live tickets to cronuts. He charges $60 to wait in line and then deliver two ($5/each) cronuts to customers who don’t want to wait in crazy long lines at Soho’s Dominique Ansel Bakery.

Shared from the QLess Facebook page.
Shared from the QLess Facebook page.

And then, there’s Alex Backer. Backer is co-founder and CEO of QLess.

Operating on the principle that “waiting in line sucks,” QLess aims to “eliminate waiting in line from the face of the earth.” QLess is based in Los Angeles, which I suppose makes a lot of sense. If your mission is to eliminate lines you headquarter where there are a lot of people and a lot of lines, right?

Founded in 2007, QLess offers a technology that holds your spot in a virtual line and notifies you on your mobile phone when it’s your turn. According to QLess, the company “has a proven track record at Fortune 100 retail stores such as T-Mobile, Vodafone & Harrah’s, government offices such as Kansas, Missouri and New Hampshire DMVs or the City of Austin, restaurants such as Twin Peaks, and healthcare providers such as the Cleveland Clinic.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the resources to pay other people or technology to wait in line for me. Instead, I’m just going to have to suck it up, act like an adult and make the best of waiting. Spoiler alert – so are you.

P.S. My Google search turned some other interesting facts I thought about using in a later blog post – but hey – why make you wait? From the website Distractify, I found the following interesting tidbits about how we spend our time. (Disclaimer: I have no idea how accurate any of these things are. I just found them interesting.)

  1. We watch TV for 9.1 years.
  2. We spend two years watching commercials.
  3. Women spend 17 years of their lives trying to lose weight.
  4. We spend 92 days on the toilet.
  5. We spend 25 years sleeping.

You’re not Blogworthy

Hello there, old friend. It’s me, Mary Jane. Remember? I’m the one who brought you to life last spring. The one who promised to review you and update you on a regular basis.

I was so proud of you when you made your debut. You were fun. You were brave. You were self-deprecating and revealing. You were available and open. And then you fell silent. Crickets. Nothing. Nada.

Let’s be clear, I am not blaming you for the silence. We all know it takes two to tango. And your partner last paid you a visit in July. July, for goodness sakes!

Sometimes I think you deserve better than me. The reality is you deserve better than some of the random blog post ideas that have passed through my brain. I shake my head apologetically when I spend even a millisecond imagining these themes as possible posts. You are better than these ideas. These notions. These concepts. You are much better.

IMG_7128And yet these simple visions can’t be shaken or released. Instead, they cohered like a cup of room temperature grease that’s been poured down the sink. And, they’ve created a blockage of epic proportions. So I guess the only way to move forward is to move them forward. To plunge this blob. To expel every single, silly notion.

I’m game if you are. Plunger ready? Here we go!

Spoiler Alert

McDonald’s has the best Diet Coke in the entire world. I don’t know what they do to it that makes it stand out from other Diet Coke. I just know it is fantastic.

When I Was a Kid

The other day I hit traffic on my way to work. As I was inching along the highway and mumbling a few choice words under my breath, I wondered if other drivers were as frustrated as I was. Looking for a little head nod or shoulder shrug from the drivers on either side of me, I was shocked when I saw that the guy next to me was reading the newspaper. Yes, we’re in stop and go traffic. And yes, he appeared to be moving along just fine. But seriously.

What happened to just driving?

We live in a world where multi-tasking is king — a microwave society where we want what we want right now. So that means that in addition to driving, we’re texting, checking our email, updating Facebook, taking pictures, putting on makeup, changing our clothes, etcetera.

AT&T’s texting and driving campaign has it right. It can wait. It can always wait.

#FilterRequired

A couple of weeks ago I had some swelling issues in my left calf and foot. Two ultrasounds and several X-rays later, my family doctor diagnosed me with something very minor. Before he blessed and released me though, he strongly recommended I schedule a follow-up exam with an orthopedic surgeon.

You see I had both knees replaced 20+ years ago and haven’t seen an orthopedic surgeon since. I take that back. Several years ago, I saw the very doctor who performed both of my surgeries when my mom had a knee replaced. While said doctor was proud and happy to hear my knees appeared to be as good as the day I walked them off the lot, he was horrified to learn I had not pursued any kind of regular follow-up with an orthopedic surgeon. Moreover, he was adamant that I have them checked out right away.

Five years later, I got the same lecture from my family doctor. “You wouldn’t keep driving your car without regular maintenance, would you?” Uh. No. I guess not.

So on to the orthopedic surgeon I went. At the conclusion of that appointment, I got a hearty thumbs up AND a little something extra that I wish the surgeon would have kept to himself. When I asked him to estimate how long my knees might last, he replied, and I’m paraphrasing here, “I don’t really know. I mean – generally this isn’t an issue with my patients. Most of them are dead before this question comes up.”

What? Did you really just say that? I was OK with “I don’t know.” But the second part of his reply was simply too much. Filter people. Just share the basics. In a case like the preceding I don’t need to know why you don’t know. Seriously.

I’m sure the good doctor felt like he couldn’t help himself. We’ve become a society without a filter, after all – unless we’re trying to make ourselves look better on Instagram.

IMG_7121We want to share everything, everywhere at all times. We call it being honest. We think it’s cute. We imagine people want to know. Believe me when I tell you – they don’t. Please. Just. Don’t.

I saw the following in another blog post and I think there’s wisdom here: “Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?” – Sai Baba

Or how about this, before you say something, ask yourself: “Will it make people crazy?”

Another lifetime ago, I was taking a short flight from South Bend, Ind., to Chicago. The plane was a small prop job. Those of you who are as terrified of flying as I am will undoubtedly relate when I tell you that it took several rosaries and a couple of glasses of wine in the airport bar, for me to be able to board the darn thing.

Anyway, as we’re barreling down the runway on a wing and a prayer, the pilot suddenly pulls the plug on the flight. I am not exaggerating when I tell you it felt like he literally slammed on the brakes.

When my life stopped passing in front of my eyes and we arrived at our gate, I saw the pilot standing at the front of the cabin. He leaned on two seat backs and offered an apology and an explanation. “I’m really sorry folks, but we’re going to be delayed. It’s a mechanical issue. One of our warning lights came on — had we taken off, we never would have remained in the air.”

Once again, too much information! A word to pilots everywhere, you don’t need to say the words “mechanical issue” – ever. And you definitely don’t need to detail the specifics around the issue. Tell me you forgot your toothbrush. Tell me a deer was on the runway. Tell me you had to go to the bathroom. Just don’t tell me I was minutes away from a fiery plane crash and expect me to be OK.

Filter. Please.

Halo, Halo, Halo.

tumblr_m790ntq6m11rbnf9xo1_500Once every couple of weeks, I declare a new favorite song. The funny thing is, more often than not, it’s not a new song at all. It’s just new to this old lady. Once the declaration has been made, the song becomes number one on my playlist. And I play it over and over and over again at the highest volume possible.

I make people listen to it with me. I proclaim it to be the most profound, the most inspiring, or the most emotional song ever. I continue at my lyrical pulpit until my husband downloads the song on iTunes and copies it to all of my devices.

Then I play it until I find a new favorite and the cycle starts all over again. That song for me right now is Beyoncé’s “Halo.” The song was initially released in 2008. Yes, I’m on top of things.

Listen to it. And then listen again.

Donald Trump

Just. Can’t. Even.

How About You?

Got anything you need to plunge? Any random thoughts? Stories? I’d love to hear from YOU!

It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas

christmas quoteLast weekend, we celebrated Christmas. Yes, that’s right, Christmas.

I admit, the notion of commemorating a December holiday in May, sounds a little strange. A little wacky. A bit confused. I totally get it. But it’s true. We celebrated Christmas 2014 in May 2015.

At least this year, there was a celebration. The year prior, there wasn’t. 2014 was the year without a Christmas.

Before the pity parties are launched and the notes of concern are drafted, let me be very clear, I did celebrate Christmas. Jeff, David and I had a very lovely holiday. But the extended family gathering – on my side – well, it did not happen. We just couldn’t juggle all of the schedules, tweak the timing and deal appropriately with the last-minute this and that to get the annual get-together on the calendar.

When you’re a kid, holidays are easy. You wake up, make the short trek to the living room and you’re pretty much good to go. The hardest part of your day might be convincing your parents that 4:30 a.m. isn’t too early to check to see if Santa left anything for you under your tree.

Your parents deal with all of the logistics for the entire holiday. They manage the plans for who joins you for Christmas dinner and who you might visit during the  break. As a kid, you’re literally just along for the ride.

As you get older, things aren’t quite so simple. You’re now managing the logistics. There are multiple calendars to consider. There are kids in different schools with varying vacation schedules. Some of the kids play sports, with holiday tournaments immediately after Christmas. There are family members who have crazy work schedules. There are in-laws. And there’s the whole, “What did we do last year?” All of the preceding can make scheduling any kind of fiesta a challenging prospect. Add to mix, the fact that your extended family lives all over the country – and well, getting a date that everyone can convene in a single locale, without breaking the bank, is next to impossible. So you just do the best you can. You make it work.

What that looks like varies slightly from year to year, but there are a few things that are essential to a successful belated holiday gathering. Here are four off the top of my head:

  1. Christmas in May 2015 - kids have a water fight in the pond at my sister's house.
    Christmas in May 2015 – kids have a water fight in the pond at my sister’s house.

    A sense of fun and flexibility. In order to celebrate Christmas in any month other than December, you have to adjust your thinking. You need to put aside all of the stereotypical activities and preconceived notions you have about the holidays and be open to creating new memories and traditions. For example, if you’re celebrating Christmas in May in Ohio, it’s highly unlikely that it’s going to snow on the most wonderful day of the year. And that’s OK. Instead of having a snow ball fight after Christmas dinner, how about organizing a water balloon fight? At the same time, don’t feel like you have to abandon all of your favorite Christmas traditions. You can still get all of the kiddos together to make Christmas cookies in May. I don’t know about you, but I think sugar cookies and buckeyes are quite tasty all year-long. I can’t imagine one kid, or adult for that matter, turning his/her nose up to chocolate covered anything just because the holidays are long gone. If you find yourself getting annoyed or a little resentful that you’re not able to have this kind of gathering closer to the holidays, stop yourself in your tracks. Remember, the reason you’re celebrating when you are is because that’s when the bulk of your family can make this happen. And being with your extended family is what it’s all about – right?

  2. IMG_5825Gifts – real ones and the gag variety. What’s a holiday celebration without neatly wrapped packages? For the kids, both big and small, it ain’t Christmas if there aren’t gifts to exchange. So, save part of the gift giving for the belated celebration. That’s what we do, anyway. Make the effort to pull out the poinsettia and Santa adorned paper. It’s the holidays after all. Again, add some fun to the mix by including a few gag gifts. This year, my sister, Liz, had my husband’s name in the holiday exchange. In addition to Amazon gift cards, she gave him what turned out to be one of the highlights of the gift exchange. She found a “Things you Need to Know about Chuck Norris” t-shirt. I still laugh when I look at it.

    Christmas in May 2015
    Christmas in May 2015
  3. Your well-rested self. If you’re anything like me, you will want to take advantage of every single minute you’re with your family. None of my siblings live near me. My brother, Bruce, is the closest and he’s still a good three-hour car ride away. My sibling twins, Karen and Kevin, live the farthest, setting up their respective homes in southern California. So, when I have face to face time with any single one of my siblings, it’s game on. We will stay up late and get up early to maximize our time together. Therefore, get plenty of rest in advance of the gathering and tell yourself you will catch up on your sleep once it’s over. You won’t be sorry you got six hours of sleep instead of eight. You will be sorry if you go to bed early and miss the conversation about your niece’s wedding plans and bachelorette party.
  4. Empathy. As hard as you will try, you will not be able to accommodate everyone’s schedules. Believe me, we tried really hard last year and just when we thought we found the weekend – someone eventually remembered a work or personal commitment that presented a conflict. Do the best that you can. And remember that your family members are doing the very best they can, too. For those who aren’t able to make it, try to keep them in the loop. Use technology to put them at the party. Skype, FaceTime and plain old phone calls or texting can help bridge the distance and connect you with those who aren’t physically present.

And finally, and this is the hardest part, don’t let the celebration end – even when the last family member has returned to his or her home. Christmas is intended to be celebrated the entire year.

“Christmas is forever, not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others is good you do yourself…”
~Norman Wesley Brooks (U.S. design engineer, 1923–2002)