Hello there, old friend. It’s me, Mary Jane. Remember? I’m the one who brought you to life last spring. The one who promised to review you and update you on a regular basis.

I was so proud of you when you made your debut. You were fun. You were brave. You were self-deprecating and revealing. You were available and open. And then you fell silent. Crickets. Nothing. Nada.

Let’s be clear, I am not blaming you for the silence. We all know it takes two to tango. And your partner last paid you a visit in July. July, for goodness sakes!

Sometimes I think you deserve better than me. The reality is you deserve better than some of the random blog post ideas that have passed through my brain. I shake my head apologetically when I spend even a millisecond imagining these themes as possible posts. You are better than these ideas. These notions. These concepts. You are much better.

And yet these simple visions can’t be shaken or released. Instead, they cohered like a cup of room temperature grease that’s been poured down the sink. And, they’ve created a blockage of epic proportions. So I guess the only way to move forward is to move them forward. To plunge this blob. To expel every single, silly notion.

I’m game if you are. Plunger ready? Here we go!

Spoiler Alert

McDonald’s has the best Diet Coke in the entire world. I don’t know what they do to it that makes it stand out from other Diet Coke. I just know it is fantastic.

When I Was a Kid

The other day I hit traffic on my way to work. As I was inching along the highway and mumbling a few choice words under my breath, I wondered if other drivers were as frustrated as I was. Looking for a little head nod or shoulder shrug from the drivers on either side of me, I was shocked when I saw that the guy next to me was reading the newspaper. Yes, we’re in stop and go traffic. And yes, he appeared to be moving along just fine. But seriously.

What happened to just driving?

We live in a world where multi-tasking is king — a microwave society where we want what we want right now. So that means that in addition to driving, we’re texting, checking our email, updating Facebook, taking pictures, putting on makeup, changing our clothes, etcetera.

AT&T’s texting and driving campaign has it right. It can wait. It can always wait.

#FilterRequired

A couple of weeks ago I had some swelling issues in my left calf and foot. Two ultrasounds and several X-rays later, my family doctor diagnosed me with something very minor. Before he blessed and released me though, he strongly recommended I schedule a follow-up exam with an orthopedic surgeon.

You see I had both knees replaced 20+ years ago and haven’t seen an orthopedic surgeon since. I take that back. Several years ago, I saw the very doctor who performed both of my surgeries when my mom had a knee replaced. While said doctor was proud and happy to hear my knees appeared to be as good as the day I walked them off the lot, he was horrified to learn I had not pursued any kind of regular follow-up with an orthopedic surgeon. Moreover, he was adamant that I have them checked out right away.

Five years later, I got the same lecture from my family doctor. “You wouldn’t keep driving your car without regular maintenance, would you?” Uh. No. I guess not.

So on to the orthopedic surgeon I went. At the conclusion of that appointment, I got a hearty thumbs up AND a little something extra that I wish the surgeon would have kept to himself. When I asked him to estimate how long my knees might last, he replied, and I’m paraphrasing here, “I don’t really know. I mean – generally this isn’t an issue with my patients. Most of them are dead before this question comes up.”

What? Did you really just say that? I was OK with “I don’t know.” But the second part of his reply was simply too much. Filter people. Just share the basics. In a case like the preceding I don’t need to know why you don’t know. Seriously.

I’m sure the good doctor felt like he couldn’t help himself. We’ve become a society without a filter, after all – unless we’re trying to make ourselves look better on Instagram.

We want to share everything, everywhere at all times. We call it being honest. We think it’s cute. We imagine people want to know. Believe me when I tell you – they don’t. Please. Just. Don’t.

I saw the following in another blog post and I think there’s wisdom here: “Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?” – Sai Baba

Or how about this, before you say something, ask yourself: “Will it make people crazy?”

Another lifetime ago, I was taking a short flight from South Bend, Ind., to Chicago. The plane was a small prop job. Those of you who are as terrified of flying as I am will undoubtedly relate when I tell you that it took several rosaries and a couple of glasses of wine in the airport bar, for me to be able to board the darn thing.

Anyway, as we’re barreling down the runway on a wing and a prayer, the pilot suddenly pulls the plug on the flight. I am not exaggerating when I tell you it felt like he literally slammed on the brakes.

When my life stopped passing in front of my eyes and we arrived at our gate, I saw the pilot standing at the front of the cabin. He leaned on two seat backs and offered an apology and an explanation. “I’m really sorry folks, but we’re going to be delayed. It’s a mechanical issue. One of our warning lights came on — had we taken off, we never would have remained in the air.”

Once again, too much information! A word to pilots everywhere, you don’t need to say the words “mechanical issue” – ever. And you definitely don’t need to detail the specifics around the issue. Tell me you forgot your toothbrush. Tell me a deer was on the runway. Tell me you had to go to the bathroom. Just don’t tell me I was minutes away from a fiery plane crash and expect me to be OK.

Filter. Please.

Halo, Halo, Halo.

Once every couple of weeks, I declare a new favorite song. The funny thing is, more often than not, it’s not a new song at all. It’s just new to this old lady. Once the declaration has been made, the song becomes number one on my playlist. And I play it over and over and over again at the highest volume possible.

I make people listen to it with me. I proclaim it to be the most profound, the most inspiring, or the most emotional song ever. I continue at my lyrical pulpit until my husband downloads the song on iTunes and copies it to all of my devices.

Then I play it until I find a new favorite and the cycle starts all over again. That song for me right now is Beyoncé’s “Halo.” The song was initially released in 2008. Yes, I’m on top of things.

Listen to it. And then listen again.

Donald Trump

Just. Can’t. Even.

How About You?

Got anything you need to plunge? Any random thoughts? Stories? I’d love to hear from YOU!